The Tough Stuff
by Shannon Hillenmeyer, LCSW
Mourning. Sorrow. Struggle. These words may cause a shudder. These may inspire us to look away, to divert, to ignore. They may ignite fear. They may also inspire gratitude for any chapter free from their grip. So often, the dark moments are something we try to avoid at all cost. However, they are a mainstay of the human experience. Perhaps we are so fearful because we know, inevitably, loss will come knocking at some point.
Ahh, isn’t it so much easier to ignore this reality. Perhaps if we hamster wheel our way through life with to-dos, successes, and busy days we can gloss over mortality? Perhaps if we try our hardest to grip to youth, to perfect ourselves, we can somehow tempt fate? Let me tell you, I for one have certainly tried! However, times of grief and loss are not dissuaded by our attempts at security. And, what are the costs of running from them?
Social worker Brené Brown reminds us that as humans we are “hardwired for struggle.” Whew, but struggle carries with it fear and vulnerabilty! Alas, how often we try to escape what is so true to our nature. Oh, how much easier it is to pile one more muffin, one more drink, one more tv show, one more shopping trip, one more video game….versus acknowledging the “sticky,” let alone cozying up to it! However, Brown also reminds us this “vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, and of love.” Numbing our struggles may provide momentary relief, a happy zing, but at the cost of enduring connection and joy.
Hm, really, how is connection born of struggle? Ponder your hardest roadblocks. Examine the times when the rug was swept right from under your feet. Mindfulness expert Pema Chodron refers to these as moments of “groundlessness.” An unsung side effect of this pain is that we find ourselves fully present in the moment. Distractions cease. In those moments, the truth is right at our fingertips. When illness and death knock, there can rise a stark clarity of the beauty and gift of every moment. When we lose what is most dear, we gain knowledge of what is strikingly UNimportant. When I think of some of my biggest cheek-warming failures, the pain of the moment was a powerful discovery of where growth was necessary. The lessons that arise through loss and the character that is born in hardship, can’t be found by skirting these moments.
Instead of hiding, numbing, or blaming, can we sit with the wisdom of the tough stuff? Can we lean into it and, gulp, maybe even find gratitude for the realizations it offers? Some days we can and some days we can’t. We give it our best go. If we have the courage to be in the unknown, perhaps our most uncomfy trials can be our most beautiful transitions. At the very least, when we are tempted to run, can we rest in this incredible possibility.