Relationship Dance Moves - Part 1
by Lane Beatty, MMFT
There are some concepts of relationships that I find myself discussing with clients almost everyday. One example has to do with emotional codependency. Fancy counseling term, so let me simplify. I wish you could see my hand motions in explaining this but unfortunately blogs only come with words, so I will try my best. We often get into a “dance” in a relationship that says “If YOU are not okay, I am not okay” and vice versa, “If YOU are okay, I am okay.” Although this sounds caring, there are a few problems with these “relationship dance moves.” First of all, in these stances, I am putting all of my emotional well being onto someone that I cannot control or change. Also, darn that is a lot of pressure to put on someone else….YOUR entire emotional well being (or being okay or not okay) is up to ME? Whew, most days I am at my max just staying in my own good space, much less having to be responsible for how you are fairing as well.
To make this relationship dance healthier, we need to take the stance of “I want to love and support YOU being ok, but even if YOU are not ok, I am ok.”
This dance gives FREEDOM.
I am free to control myself, and my partner is free from the pressure to be ok for me.
So, what does this really look like in my own house? Our own marriage therapist (yes, marriage therapists need therapists too) says, “Lane this is YOUR work: to be in your own healthy emotional space and your entire energy reflected to your family will be better.” If I am in a place of knowing “I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am a child of God, I am accepted just for being me,” then I can be a much better wife, mom, and friend. The way I love my people comes from the LOVE I have received from God and have for myself. So, when I fail (yell at my children, have housework that did not get done, let a friend down, exc), you know what, it is alright, because my worth is not dependent on my performance. It is also not dependent on anyone else. There, in THIS space, when my husband, my child, my family member is anxious or upset, I can reflect back a me that is “Okay” without getting pulled into their anxiety. I am free to meet them in their hard places without making it my own.